6/27/26
I love my website. A little, maybe. I think it's nice, and I worked and am working real hard on it, but something just isn't right. The problem is me.
I'm not very good at conveying myself through text. I despise texting just because of the bursts of depersonalization it causes me. Everything I type just seems like someone else typing for me--even if I do love red, and tacos, and bears. It's just this really embarrasing version of myself that takes over as soon as I need to present myself in a way that is safe. Even though?? It isn't??
Even if I'm still me in my head, it's frustrating how hard it is for me to get past this pre-built wall of a falsified character. And look, listen, I love things the way I say I do, but I think that I'm also just having trouble un-masking. I can only do so with some friends, and even then, if I register something I've said as weird I pull back. It really sucks, even if I'm trying my best.
Another thing is how embarassed I feel talking about myself on here. Even if this is my space, it's hard to unlearn "bio" stuff. I should be able to type away unapologetically, and yet I'm stuck here worried about how immature I may sound. Even though the indie web is mostly sparkledogs and anime. I feel like I've done so much more than what I say, but is that me just taking in the accomplishment of survival?
Why is being ourselves so trained out of us throughout our every day? Why do we have to be embarrased by ourselves instead of proud for being distinct? I want to accomplish what I dreamed of doing here. Which is unlocking the real, unapologetic me. But we're always dragged down somehow. Maybe I can do it, maybe I'll keep being this weird version of me. I'm not sure.